I Am Not an Architect, and Your Lawyer Doesn’t Frighten Me

At my main post, we did not have a bathroom or tables with chairs. It’s one of the reasons I stayed so long. I don’t believe 10 minutes ever ran by without this becoming an issue. I feel this bears addressing now. If you’re planning on needing coffee in Times Square soon, I hope you find this enlightening.

1. We don’t have a public bathroom. Really. We don’t. We’re not hiding it from you. It does not exist.

2. I did not design this building, so I don’t have any control over this space. If I did, I wouldn’t be answering this question.

3. If you feel emboldened to ask “Where do you go?” please know this:

a. That’s not funny.
b. You are not the first ultragenius to ask this question.
c. That’s disgusting. I’m disgusted.

4. We do have an employee bathroom, but because this is New York City, it also functions as a:
a. Locker
b. Storage Closet
c. Break Area/Cafeteria
d. Phone Booth
e. Uncontrollable Weeping Room

5. It is not illegal for us to be without a public bathroom. If you make good on your threat to call your lawyer, you may be astounded to hear this same response:

a. In New York City, an establishment serving food is not required to provide a public restroom if it has fewer than 18 seats. Seeing as we provide precisely zero seats, we are violating precisely zero statutes.
b. Don’t you think, in 15 years of establishment, this problem might have been addressed already?
c. Have you no greater criminals to foil today? I’ll happily give you a list of causes worth your time and resources.

6. The longer you stand here, flinging your anger at me and insisting that this is an emergency, the less time you have to make it to these Top Three Places You Can Pee for Free in NYC (Times Square):

1. The Times Square Visitor’s Center on 7th Ave. between 46th and 47th St.
2. The Marriott Marquis Theatre/Hotel at 45th St. and Broadway
3. McDonald’s, also on 7th Ave. between 46th and 47th St.


* Dear Both D-Bags Who Came in at Different Times, You Know Who You Are: You have proven nothing by forcing your sons to pee in our lobby, other than your absolute lack of fitness as parents. Shame on you, sirs. We would have given you cups if you had asked. Now you get nothing but eternal disdain.