At Risk of Sounding Like a Racist

(Disclaimer: My focus on Spanish-speaking customers is not a reflection of any bias I hold against Spanish speakers. I’ve just never had the following interactions with anybody else.)

In my life, I have been extremely fortunate in having ample opportunities to travel outside of the North American continent. It was clear to me that I would be expected to speak German in Germany, French in France, and English in Holland because when I accidentally spoke German there, the residents figured me out and kindly stooped to my level.

So, in my native tongue, I have some questions I would like my multi-lingual customers to consider and possibly answer:

1. Do you realize that you’re not speaking English with me? I’ve had slips where I didn’t realize I wasn’t speaking an intended language. It’s cool. Let’s laugh about it.

2. Why is it “wrong that I don’t speak Spanish?” And how can you not believe this?

a. I am a citizen of an English-speaking country, and I have spent my life in the Northeastern region, very close to Canada. I didn’t need to know Spanish to get this job. I don’t need to know Spanish to conduct my daily business.

b. You speak enough English to criticize my Spanish deficiency. I’m guessing you also know enough English to order coffee. It’s less complicated, the words are written behind me, and you don’t have a different alphabet than I do.

c. I went to Spain, and hid behind my friends who spoke Spanish, because I didn’t want to be ‘That American Who Expects Everyone to Speak English Because I Do.” Had I been alone, I would have either bought a phrase-book or starved.

I think diversity is beautiful. If I had my way, I’d do nothing but travel and learn enough of every language to order my coffee. I believe everyone should experience a different culture from that of their native country, just to feel the true enormity of the globe, and human potential. Foreign languages should be taught in school, when children can readily absorb them. I do, however, find it obnoxious and offensive that people make rude gestures and negative remarks in my direction after refusing to speak the language of the country we’re both occupying. I didn’t not learn Spanish while I was learning French and German out of spite.

More on Bathrooms

“Many of the worst things in the world happen in and around Starbucks bathrooms.”- Tina Fey

The bathroom issue at Starbucks is a big one for me. The Starbucks Bathroom seems to be the Bermuda Triangle of Civilized Behavior. Humans enter, are briefly transformed into rabid goats, and reemerge still anthropomorphic, but somehow changed.

My biggest question to my dear patrons is this: “Why is there always paper everywhere?” I have never been to the home of another person and seen paper all over the floor. I have never festooned my own water closet with sheets and wads of tissue. And it’s not as though there isn’t a perfectly good garbage can in the bathroom. It’s always there, and rarely full. There’s also a toilet, designed to whisk away toilet paper to a magical, underground location. Is there some great catharsis to be had, flinging toilet paper around the restroom after you shell out $5.00 for your coffee? Help me understand!

There are issues bigger than tissue, though. Your baristas, especially inner-city baristas, are tested daily in ways for which we are never prepared. For instance:

1. A friend working in Chicago found a dead man in the bathroom.

2. Someone pooped on the floor on my last day in New Hampshire.

3. At any given moment, a homeless person is evicted from a Starbucks bathroom.

4. People have sex in there. Often. Sometimes with employees.

5. Oh, the vomit. Oh. The vomit.

The junkies, the crazies, the nauseous, and the jerks who shave in there all make up a delicate chain of challenges, which many o’erleap. When Starbucks says, “It’s more than coffee,” this is what they really mean.

Trying to Save Lives from Atop This Soapbox

In my spare time, I’m a health nerd. This is partially a result of growing up on a mountain, in a strongly organic community, and also a byproduct of my entertainment habit. So I do a lot of research. I know how many calories are in most things at Starbucks, beyond the scope of what’s listed on the menu.

A former Diet Coke junkie, I now stand firmly against artificial sweeteners. In cutting them out of my life, I’ve noticed remarkable, positive changes in my:

- weight (lower and stable)

- moods (even)

- energy (abundant)

- ability to concentrate

- carbohydrate cravings

- blood sugar stability

When I would ingest something that contained an artificial sweetener, I would instantly feel pain in my stomach and my head. Inevitably, I would require sugar later, and grow monstrous in my hunger. The few calories avoided in my drink were tripled later. It directly assaulted my equilibrium. It is no longer a part of my life. Artificial Sweeteners are neurotoxins, linked to a rise in:

- Cancer

- Obesity

- Multiple Sclerosis

- ADD/ADHD

- Seizures, etc.

As I made this shift, I became aware of the popularity of “Skinny” options at Starbucks. Anytime you order something “skinny” or “light,” if sugar-free syrup is available, you’re getting it. So I took it upon myself to ask every customer I encountered if they wanted the sugar-free option. To my surprise and delight, a majority of people didn’t.

Artificial Sweeteners may enter your system by the following mediums at Starbucks:

1. Splenda™, Sweet n’ Low™, Equal™, Stevia™ (no healthier than the rest)

2. Sugar-Free Syrups:

a. Vanilla

b. Hazelnut

c. Caramel

d. Cinnamon Dolce

3. “Skinny” beverages with any of the above flavors

4. “Lite” Frappuccinos™

5. Canned Doubleshot Lite™

You can still save calories and fat by choosing non-fat/skim milk (they are the same) in any drink, even Frappuccinos. Avoid whipped cream and cut 50-80 calories out of your order. Try your drink with fewer pumps of syrup. Each pump contains about 30 calories. Often, drinks are just as flavorful and satisfying with less syrup than standard. Adding espresso will also cut down on your caloric load.

If you’re concerned about your health, and want to give your body the best fuel possible, consider my advice. Sugar-free products have grown immensely popular, but the health of this nation is not improving. Stay informed. Decide for yourself.

(Disclaimer: This is not an attack on Starbucks and their sale of sugar-free products. They are offering diabetic/diet-friendly options, and I choose to believe that the intention is positive.)

Helpful Resources:

http://www.earthclinic.com/CURES/aspartame.html#ARTICLES

http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/food-nutrition/facts/effects-of-artificial-sweeteners.htm

http://www.naturalnews.com/027491_aspartame_sweeteners_health.html

Promoting Regularity

In my experience, regulars are meaningful people. Between my coworkers and regulars, these were the people I saw every day. I saw some people more often than I saw my roommates.

There is a lot of life happening at Starbucks. Regulars become friends. Some become lovers. Somewhere, I’m sure they’ve become spouses. We’ve gone out together after work. We’ve remembered and observed each other’s birthdays. I’ve given and received gifts on many occasions. We support each other on bad days. We celebrate each other on good days.

I’m aware that I make a lot of caustic remarks about customers. I heard a statistic once that said people were 97% more likely to report a bad experience than a good one. But I figure, if I’m crying out for positivity and understanding, I should exercise it, too.

So I am grateful for every person that crossed my path, who behaved like a person and not a transaction.

Now, back to my regularly scheduled sarcasm.

I Am Not an Architect, and Your Lawyer Doesn’t Frighten Me

At my main post, we did not have a bathroom or tables with chairs. It’s one of the reasons I stayed so long. I don’t believe 10 minutes ever ran by without this becoming an issue. I feel this bears addressing now. If you’re planning on needing coffee in Times Square soon, I hope you find this enlightening.

1. We don’t have a public bathroom. Really. We don’t. We’re not hiding it from you. It does not exist.

2. I did not design this building, so I don’t have any control over this space. If I did, I wouldn’t be answering this question.

3. If you feel emboldened to ask “Where do you go?” please know this:

a. That’s not funny.
b. You are not the first ultragenius to ask this question.
c. That’s disgusting. I’m disgusted.

4. We do have an employee bathroom, but because this is New York City, it also functions as a:
a. Locker
b. Storage Closet
c. Break Area/Cafeteria
d. Phone Booth
e. Uncontrollable Weeping Room

5. It is not illegal for us to be without a public bathroom. If you make good on your threat to call your lawyer, you may be astounded to hear this same response:

a. In New York City, an establishment serving food is not required to provide a public restroom if it has fewer than 18 seats. Seeing as we provide precisely zero seats, we are violating precisely zero statutes.
b. Don’t you think, in 15 years of establishment, this problem might have been addressed already?
c. Have you no greater criminals to foil today? I’ll happily give you a list of causes worth your time and resources.

6. The longer you stand here, flinging your anger at me and insisting that this is an emergency, the less time you have to make it to these Top Three Places You Can Pee for Free in NYC (Times Square):

1. The Times Square Visitor’s Center on 7th Ave. between 46th and 47th St.
2. The Marriott Marquis Theatre/Hotel at 45th St. and Broadway
3. McDonald’s, also on 7th Ave. between 46th and 47th St.


* Dear Both D-Bags Who Came in at Different Times, You Know Who You Are: You have proven nothing by forcing your sons to pee in our lobby, other than your absolute lack of fitness as parents. Shame on you, sirs. We would have given you cups if you had asked. Now you get nothing but eternal disdain.

Five Steps to Get the Most Bang for Your ‘Bucks

(STALK is a nice acronym for this, though SKLAT keeps everything in order.)

1. SMILE: Pretend this is the best part of your day. You came here to get something that will make you happy. This shouldn’t feel like a trip to the bank.

2. KNOW THYSELF: If possible, make your decision before you get to the register. PLEASE also choose the size of your drink at the same time. This issue will get its own post.

3. LISTEN: Your barista may be trying to help you. S/He will stop if you roll over all the helpful attempts with demands.

4. ASK QUESTIONS: We know a bunch. It’s part of our job. It’s much easier to have a dialogue than remake your drink.

5. THANK YOU: If this isn’t an automatic response when someone does something for you, send this list to your parents.

Because of these simple actions, customers have received countless free drinks, size upgrades, extra espresso, free soy, and more free drinks the next day/week/month/life. Kindness goes a long way. And this list doesn’t mention the power of tips, though it’s certainly always appreciated. (I’m winking.)

The Dripple Effect

If you’re a customer, you have more power than you know. Your interaction sets the tone for every interaction for the rest of the day. If you’re in Times Square, you are in control of the daily trajectory of the possible 5,000 people your barista will serve in his/her shift, and every person each of those 5,000 people encounters in his/her day. Your energy is felt by the world, and amplified with caffeine. And these are not random numbers.

In three seconds, you decide if the world is going to have a better day than yesterday.

Your barista is human. If you prick her, she may bleed espresso, but it still hurts. Personally, I try start nearly every day with a sunny outlook. I try to leave my baggage at the door, because space is tight and I don’t mind if someone steals it. I will try my hardest to greet you with positivity and respect. If you block my sunshine, I will defensively halt my flow of goodness and reflect your negativity back at you. It’s only fair.

So please, do everything in your power to spread positivity. If you catch yourself hurling negativity at the person behind the bar, reverse it. You have no more right than we do to treat people with anything less than basic dignity.

Everyone is fighting to stay above water. It’s hard for everyone. If you’re ordering your own drink, chances are good you’re not someone who’s floating along in life, unaffected by the ever-growing challenges of surviving in this city/country/galaxy. Chances are even better, however, that you’re doing better than most of the global population. Count your blessings, and consider it a luxury that waiting in line at Starbucks is one of the worst parts of your day.